It was actually quite surprising when I realized that I was experiencing a “broken heart”. I was genuinely confused and experienced an era of denial. It just didn’t seem so. The more it began to sink in, the more deeper I started to sink into myself. I felt like I was experiencing 12 emotions per day and all at their extremities.
All of the pathetic, break up, I’m so hurt songs finally made a bit of sense to me. I was no longer rolling my eyes at their grief. I realized I just hadn’t experienced that yet because I was always attempting to protect myself from it. But bada boom. Here it is and there is no where to hide.
Through this, of course I had to pay attention to the necessity of loving yourself. I thought I had learned to do it but this situation just kicked my ass. I decided I’m going to blog about this (and every other situation) to really track the progress and keep my promise to myself that I will not keep everything inside in attempt to play the “strong” role. I think the true strength is in your decision to allow yourself to be vulnerable. To be courageous enough to show the parts of us that everyone tries so desperately to hide. Because while people are hiding, they are searching the internet, reading books, and reaching out to friends family, colleagues even “strangers” who they could possibly relate to. So I’m going to stop playing into that part of myself and allow the free flowing of expression.
“How am I supposed to get through this? Each second feels like forever.”
I can see the bigger picture here though. And that is what makes it both difficult and easy. Birthing hurts. Growing pains. There is definately a level of discomfort when it comes to transformation. There clearly is something beautiful following this.
Through all the pain, I’m also erupting with creativity. I’ve been writing songs, poems, stories etc. Concepts have been revealing themselves to me and I’ve began to construct art and prepare them for projection. Below are the stages I feel like I’ve hit (or have hit me) through this whole thing. I’m going to expound upon them individually in the coming posts. I’m at the point of truly healing those deep internal wounds. I know that this current situation is really just a trigger to the delicate inflictions that are buried deep inside.
….Go in and heal, Maya, Before you can heal others you must be your first focus. You said you were ready.
Healing the wounds