…It seems so hard to just be myself. Why? Where is this hardness coming from? You see, I’ve had this conversation many times. This is nothing new. But the fear in me has me looping on the same sad song. A song of struggle and defeat. A song of agony and sorrow. I’m ready to sing to ecstasy. I’m ready to sing to joy. I know a single action can dramatically change the course of my life. But I’m so afraid to make that action. It’s like getting a shot. When I was a child, man I threw quite a fit about getting a shot. I’m sure deep down I knew those vaccines were bullshit but I was ultimately afraid of that needle. Of that little pinch. Of the soreness. I brought that up to relate to today where I feel like I’m afraid of taking a shot of myself. A dose of my own medicine. Side effects include vulnerability, expansion, greatness and prosperity.
All I can ever do is express from my point of view. I’ve been so deeply compassionate for everyone else in the world my entire life but have always failed to extend that compassion to myself. I’m very much so my worst enemy. I’m also my best healer. The paradoxes we endure. I have been on this journey of loving myself whole for some time now. It has not been easy and it really makes me think about the measures taken to make us, as a collective people, so detached from our internal source of love. We literally have infinite reservoirs of energy but have trained our minds to believe that we are limited vessels. We walk around with a cap on that serves no purpose. This cap creates agonizing suppression. Even when we express ourselves many times we leave the essence out. I got to the point where I wasn’t even sure what my true feelings were anymore. I was greatly confused which further led me into a place depression and suicidal tendencies,
I’m saying all of this to keep it real. I’m not dwelling or pitying myself. I’m keeping it real. Because where I am right now is victorious. Yeah, possibly my bank account isn’t juicy with tangible money. Perhaps I’m still having to catch rides because I lost my car back in the day. Perhaps I’m still not in the place to buy all the appropriate supplements and medicinal agents to assist me with becoming as healthy as I can be. But what I’ve done in this phase scarcity is learned the hell out of my mind. Learned the hell out of myself. And since I didn’t have much external assistance, I HAD to learn to heal myself. The pain wasn’t going anywhere. The heightened sensitivity had to be dealt with. I had passions that needed tending to. I became my own hospital. I administered dosages of love that soothed these wounds and burns of my past, I taught myself how to better react and adapt to situations from learning from the past. Being extremely observant. I tapped directly into the source and infinite flow of wisdom from the collective unconscious. I began learning how to use my natural psychic, intuitive gifts. I read book after book and kept expanding my mind. I looked demons dead in their faces, many times being frightened back into a shell but there was only so long before I realized that their power was only being sustained by the energy I gave to it. I learned that ‘all is self’ and that these particular forces within were parts of myself that needed some serious love making. That needed to be brought back into balance. That needed to be handled.
I worked on myself diligently while still attempting to go through life strong and masking my pain for the comfort of others. I was called many things and greatly misunderstood. I couldn’t blame them as I was still understanding myself. I allowed people to have their perceptions while I continued working on myself. I saw that if people didn’t understand, they assumed and most of the time assumed the worst. I learned compassion even more. I also began learning how other’s mental processes worked. I resisted the urge to judge them and lash back at them for not being understanding of my peculiar situation and decided to study them as they are only an extension of me. I decided that though I was young, I couldn’t necessarily afford to live against the wisdom I was born with and have further acquired over my journey.
Fear is the illusion. Limitations are created. I’m so aware of everything going on in this reality on both sides of the spectrum. To remain in balance is an art. And I’m a lover of the arts.